Friday, November 1, 2019

How do you see me?

Nora writes How do you see me? on Nora W - The Self Aware Autistic

Content Warning for Anxiety and Overthinking

- Now That You Know -
Now that you know I’m autistic,
how do you see me?
Do you just see my anxiety and awkwardness?
Do you judge my miscommunications and lack of social awareness by normative standards?
My facial expressions mismatched to my heart.
My volume not modulated properly.
Am I made up of more than
my reactions?
my emotions?
my inability to communicate without wearing my heart on my sleeve?
Am I valued?
Am I worth more than just
my talents?
my abilities?
my dependability?
my loyalty?
Do you see me
paralyzed by social anxiety?
unable to reach out
to initiate conversation?
longing to be included?
I try.
It takes everything within me to speak.
to find the words.
to take a chance on being seen.
to stay.
to not run away and hide,
out of sight.
I still fail.
I try.
I fail.
I try again.
I still fail.
I just want to sit here
and stop trying so hard,
but I don’t have it in me to quit.
God won’t let me.
I want to turtle up
but I can’t go back in that old shell.
Everything I’ve done
has been to get me
further away from where I started.
Am I still unnoticed
except when I melt down?
Am I still unwanted
except when I have something to offer?
Can I just be seen
Can I just be liked
Can I just be wanted
Can I just be accepted
Can I just be included
for being me?
(C) Nora W - The Self Aware Autistic

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