An Apology

 This is an apology to previous participants. 

To those who have submitted their work, and did not see it show up on this blog or see it included. 

There are very few reasons for why this happened, and for most of these, I apologize. I have always regretted not being able to post every entry to ASDay. 

Most of the entries that I've had to decline over the last 11 years have been professionals or parents trying to peddle their newest book or website. I don't mind sharing that each year our email gets advance copy and interview offers for the Next New Autism Treatment. I don't know about you, but I don't apologize for not approving those. 

What saddens me are those who, for whatever reason, I cannot access. And so, I cannot browse to confirm trigger and content warnings. And I cannot, in good conscious, add to the event. 

I also love seeing all the autistic posts. 

My only relief is that these instances are relatively few; most of the time posts have been scheduled and so I just need to keep checking the link. But the ones that I try every trick I know - changing accounts, switching browsers, even using a VPN (I'm not IT; I'm an English major, this is the extent of my knowledge) - and still unable to find, hurts. I feel like I've let the participant down, and worse of all, I don't know why. 

This year, I'd like to try and fix those posts. So please, join me as I explore past entries. 

~ Corina Lynn Becker 

Florencia Ardon, Why do we teach our kids to "behave"? on Neuroamazing

Why do we teach our kids to “behave”?

Are you teaching your child to “behave” for their benefit? Or yours?

Some behaviors or characteristics of autistic people can be dangerous. Like not sensing danger, and just darting toward a busy street. Or leaning “too” forward on a banister, not recognizing one can actually fall. Some others can get them in danger or can endanger, say, priceless museum pieces. In that category I would put bumping hard into people, which could make the other person respond in anger and actually hit you. Or leaning against a showcase full of antique, glass works of art, in a way that could make them break.

But in many other cases, the behavior is not dangerous, probably makes the person happy, or helps them deal with anxiety. We don’t try to change that behavior for the wellbeing or safety of the autistic child. We do it for us. I participated yesterday in a survey that made this fairly clear. It contained some statements one had to agree or disagree with. Some of the statements read something like this: “We don’t go out in public because my child’s behavior embarrasses me.” “I have to constantly explain my child has autism because of his or her behaviors.”

[six second clip of young child in a snowsuit, sitting in the snow stomping feet and hands in a small tantrum]

This reminds me of the typical scene of a child throwing a temper tantrum in the middle of the supermarket. What many times happens is that the parent (normally the mother) is close to the child trying to control the situation, and looking around to see the reactions of the people around. If there is nobody around, or people just smile and go away, then that’s fine. But if people start lecturing the parent, looking at her disapprovingly, and so on, what can and does happen too often is that the child gets punished: spanked in some cases, yelled at, or carried out of the store while the child is trying to free themselves (which can be dangerous, by the way, depending on the agility and strength of the child). And this is the “approved parenting style” in our society.

One of the problems with this is that that societal approved parenting styleMR does not work (and by the by, “time outs” don’t work either). One response that works in the long run is to ignore the child, though how you do it matters… and note that here I’m considering we’re speaking about a temper tantrum, not a meltdown. For a meltdown, you need to know what caused it and what helps the child the most.

Now, if you do a quick search on YouTube, you will see videos shaming parents who are actively ignoring their kids… and also shaming parents who are physically punishing their children. Meaning, you are never free of criticism. Unless you never ever take your kid out into a public space.

The biggest problem is that you pay more attention to the feelings or to the approval of people you don’t know at all. You put their feelings well above your child’s. And you will never see these people again! They will gladly post a video of you and your child to happily shame you. And you’re supposed to love your child more than anything in the world, yet are more invested in gaining the stranger’s approval than in not harming your relationship with your child.

Is it worth it?

NO.

Just stop paying attention to the other people.

If your child is on the spectrum (or has ADHD or any of the other conditions that could lead to similar behaviors) the “embarrassing” behavior can happen when they are 2-3 years old like it happens with “neurotypical” kids, but it can also happen when they’re 6, or 9, or 12. So what?

Sure, that person is looking down on you. Sure, they’ll get home and you’ll be the dinner conversation. Sure, they’ll feel superior to you because that would never happen to them, because their child behaves. They are raising their child to obey, and respect their parents, not like these new age/hippie/millennials/whatever parents who don’t know how to properly raise a child. They don’t know you, don’t know your story, don’t know what you’ve tried or not, what has worked and what has backfired. How much you slept last night or if you slept at all.

And they don’t care.

You. Should. Not. Care. Either.

Let them think whatever they want. Let them speak about you. You don’t know them and you would not want to be their friend anyway.

Care for your child. Your child is the one waiting for you at home. Is the one having dinner with you. And the one you hug in the mornings, and kiss good night when they go to sleep.

The rest of the world is out there, outside your home, and does not matter.

Our terribly truthful child

Rainbowsaretoobeautiful (Ann H) writes "Our terribly truthful child"


Could I be the most fortunate mother in the world? My eldest son is 7 years old and he has never told me a lie. Never.

This doesn't mean he has never done anything wrong. Anthony will freely admit when he has been naughty and understands about the 'naughty step'.  He will offer up his guilt upon the first request of 'what happened here' and will even explain if he did it on purpose or if the event was actually an accident. Anthony has been diagnosed with ASD since he was 4 years old. He has always been literal and taken what he is told and sees as fact, which has proved difficult at times such as interpreting what is real and what is fiction on the television for example.

Read More here. 

Inclusive Education Plan

Dave Farrell has written a piece called "Inclusive Education Plan" from LinkedIn.

Inclusive Education Plan

Let me tell you a true story about a small town in rural New Zealand with a community of less than twenty thousand. Not just Cambridge by name but also Cambridge by education akin to the world's most elite university.

This week my wife and I braced ourselves for the bi-annual Individual Education Plan (I.E.P.) for our twelve year old daughter at the local middle school. A group discussion involving eight adults and a young child - daunting by all accounts. I take care not to share that I am an active autism advocate so as not to add further complication to an involved process.

• Will they cut her funding?
• Is she getting her allocated hours or is the school 'pooling' the funds?
• Are the teachers trained and equipped?
• Is her teacher aide helping or herding?
• Is our daughter being meaningfully included in all activities?

What unfurled was emotional and inspirational.

Her co-teachers understood our daughter's needs - they make the time to ensure she stays abreast - they have created an inclusive class culture where the kids take her with them on every venture, they also refuse options that take her away from the mainstream. Their compassion, empathy and respect is over whelming.

Her two teacher aides - so in touch, relevant and celebrating her astonishing personality. A exceptional triad stretching and comforting one another ensuring challenges are dealt to.

The wonderful representative from the Ministry of Education who listened, directed, suggested and inspired - so sharp with the business at hand yet pertinent to our daughters inclusion and buy-in.

The professional facilitating of the assistant principal showed passion and kept the discussion focused, relevant and uncomplicated.

Did I expect this - not by a long shot considering my involvement and the current publicity of so much that goes wrong in the world of Autism. Here in this precious community people were listening , suggesting, solving and celebrating without prejudice or agenda.

The meeting wound up with each professional recapping their role in the plan of action for the next six months then asked our thoughts.

In the same confidence my daughter portrayed throughout the session she requested the same teachers next year - which in itself says it all. Apart from my wife's comment. "This is the happiest we've seen her."

Enough said.

Inclusion = Unconditional Love + Intent Listening + Meaningful Support + Respect the Individual

Heads up and gratitude to everyone involved throughout the country - IEP can work, it does work. All that needs to change is the 'I' to read Inclusive Education Plan.

When autistic people speak their truth, just listen

PK writes "When autistic people speak their truth, just listen" on Walkin' on the Edge

My son was diagnosed 2 years ago at the age of 4. I was aware of autism and read about it mostly through Temple Grandin’s books. I had seen Rain Man back in the day, and the Temple Grandin movie most recently. For someone whose life hadn’t really been directly touched by it, I was reasonably well educated about it, but I didn’t (and still don’t) LIVE it.

Some people may say, “of course, you LIVE it, your son has autism!”. Yes, he does. He is autistic, and he has some challenges that we deal with. We are “lucky” in that he is very verbal, academically proficient, not sensory-sensitive. Our lives are pretty much like most neuro-typical families – so far. I worry about what will happen as he gets older, as social situations get more complex I fear he will be bullied. Even though he communicates well, he thinks differently, and I hope he can process things and let me know if something is troubling him. I watch his social interactions and I see the difference, the “other-ness”, and I know how people can be when you’re “not like them”, especially in school. But I think these are worries that MOST parents have, and are not just the worries of an “autism parent”.

But I don’t LIVE the autism experience. My senses aren’t constantly assaulted in every-day situations – I can filter out most noises, smells, etc., unless they’re over-the-top annoying. I generally can interpret body language and facial expresson. Eye contact doesn’t flood my brain with information that I’m unable to process quickly/effortlessly. I am aware of where my body is located in space. I am aware of how my body feels inside (pain, discomfort, sick, etc.). I can regulate my emotional states pretty well. MY stims (nail biting, hair twirling, nail-polish-picking) might not be considered polite, but they don’t get stares. I understand the non-literal nature of turns-of-phrase/figures-of-speech and the BS chatter of small talk. Every day isn’t a struggle to deal with an enormous amount of input, above and beyond the general experience of living.

The only reason I know this, is because I’ve read autistic voices: The Loud Hands Anthology, Autisticook, Invisible Strings, Incipient Turvy, Karla’s ASD Page (Facebook), Aspergers and Me, A Stranger in Godzone, Temple Grandin, Thinking Person’s Guide to Autism. Their experience is not mine. Their experience is not even the experience of my autistic child. But in no way, shape or form does that lessen the truth of their experiences. In my blog travels, I have read reactions of parents who say “but my child isn’t like you – can’t type, can’t blog, doesn’t live on their own – so you can’t speak for them” - and what I (and the autistic people who are sharing their stories) get from this is “If you are not as visibly impacted as my child, you are ‘not autistic enough’ and your experiences don’t matter”. Never mind that the blogger commenting ISN’T verbal, DOESN’T live on their own  – these people generally jump on the defensive and don’t take any time to find anything out about the autistic person they are dismissing.

And to their defensive reaction, I call Bullshit! Since when does pain have to match to matter? Since when does one person’s experience make another person’s experience less valid?

Then there is a myth that autistic people lack empathy - which I know from personal experience with my son is false (perspective taking, maybe, but empathy? – no way). Again, I call bullshit – since when is a lack of empathy an “autistic thing”? Neurotypical people lie, cheat, steal, kill, abuse, bully, and otherwise treat people like crap all day, every day – but somehow lack of empathy is an “autistic thing”?! Give me a “socially clueless” autistic person who misreads cues and unintentionally upsets me over a neurotypical person who is deliberately screwing me over for their own gain any day of the week.

So if you know someone who is autistic/aspergers/”on the spectrum”, or someone who knows someone, and if you want to expand your horizons and maybe make the life of someone who is autistic a little easier – READ THEIR WORDS. You might be made uncomfortable by what you read, but growth hurts sometimes - that’s why it’s called growing pains.

Convergence

Kelly Green writes "Convergence" on AutismHWY.com

We can go there!!!

We love this word at AutismHWY.com ! It is precisely what we have been wanting! All roads leading to understanding of AUTISM. No more traveling alone in the dark. Instead a complete sunrise of Autistic information coming to light. Not the tired and isolating bombardment of so-called Autism facts that have been repeated from the past. But, a NEW convergence of Autistic people and their families with differing opinions about the seemingly obvious. International internet discussions #hashing it out so to speak!  Not the same old rhetoric brainwashed into people through lack of Autism knowledge, fear and/or oppression. A new look at Autism through the experiences of Autistic people discussed with mother’s, fathers and teachers of other Autistic people. Families and friends understanding more deeply what these shared opinions, experiences and emotions can teach us to better support future generations. What benefits we all gain from these experiential thoughts about relationships that can and do resolve and relax many “issues” surrounding Autism for us. Going to the core and source of a thing is a powerful place to go.

Listening to Autistic voices about Autism…priceless.

It is not an easy transition. Learning, carefully considering, and accepting a whole new dimension to the world you already know is a monumental thing. Monumentally life changing for you, your child and family. It is not an easy learning curve and can sometimes seem harsh. The clashing of presumed beliefs with the eye opening beliefs of others can be shocking and at first, evoke extreme dismay. Rocking the proverbial boat of beliefs is not always safe and feeling safe is one of the most important human needs. Utterly essential for Autistics. Throughout history, great change has never been safe. Wars between countries over rights to land, race and religion will undoubtedly never cease. The change we seek within the Autism Community should not feel like one of these eternal wars among countries. That is not safe space for any of us. We seek a safe haven within our own families first and foremost. We also seek this stability in our schools and communities rippling from there out into every society. Our world needs to be a world of practical understanding and grace allowing the freedom to proudly be who we are in a neurodiversly aware society.  AUTISTIC PEOPLE are an emerging culture with rich history and amazing information to share. If we don’t tap into our own best resource internally as a community …then who else will? We must lead by example!

A WEALTH OF AUTISTIC KNOWLEDGE SPEAKING HERE!

Let’s realize we are much more powerful  respecting Autistic adults opinions and experiences. The Parents in the community need to fight for the Autistic perspective to help re-vamp all systems in every community! Parents need to spotlight and promote Autistic adults within our Autism networks and support systems. We firmly believe a systematic engine overhaul is needed in order for everyone to handle their own unique AutismHWY clearly and safely!  The driving force of new information must come from within the heart of the machine itself. From:Autistic minds. Let’s tap into this awesome, highly vibrational and sometime combustable energy. Allow Autistic adults the opportunities to tune-up and rebuild the correct Autism messages for the rest of the world! When this happens we will truly be off to the”proverbial races!”

YES WE CAN!

                                                        We can do it…!!!

Autistics Speaking Day 2013

Autismum posts Autistics Speaking Day 2013 on Autismum.com

The Pwd is a little man of very few words. Of those very few words, this one is my favourite:

Chickens and Autism

Sharon Bergman at www.mybestfriendgoldie.com submits "Chickens and Autism", a media article about her daughter and her chicken.

Alair Bergman's best friend is calm, patient and an excellent listener. Her pal doesn't judge and is there whenever needed.

But there's one catch: Alair's confidant is a chicken.

Since 2006, Goldie, along with dozens of other chickens, roosters and a few ducks, have helped the 17-year-old cope with autism. Alair was born with multiple challenges and learning disabilities, also including obsessive compulsive disorder, sensory integration dysfunction and auditory processing disorder.

"Some people would just verbally tell me to calm down, and they don't show me any way how," says Alair, who lives in Ortonville. "It's like telling somebody to build a rocket, but no blueprint or hands-on help."

Connection with chickens

But a miracle happened in Alair's life when she found an unusual talent in working with birds. A trip to Greenfield Village as a child helped open the window to the power of animals. She took to them – especially the chickens, and they to her. It was a revelation.

"When she was outside and with animals, she was calmer," says Alair's mom, Sharon. "We now had something to focus on. She had periods of time she was happy. And when she got into those periods where it was dark or hard, reacting to everything in the world and having tantrums and meltdowns, she could go and sit with Goldie. She would immediately calm down."

In 2006, Alair purchased a 5-month-old Goldie for $8. The name came easy, she says, due to the hen's golden feathers with white and black spots. The pattern is called a millefleur, which means "a thousand flowers." Goldie's breed is a Belgian Bearded d'Uccle.

The two were inseparable. They talked and talked. They watched TV together, Goldie sitting on Alair's shoulders. They played in the yard. The hen became a true best friend.

For Alair, poultry has a variety of benefits. The birds are smaller and more controllable than other livestock, she says. And they're hypoallergenic (she's allergic to anything with fur). By nature, chickens are skittish. This aspect actually helps her.

"You have to have a calm attitude," she says. "I was always a very hyper and loud little kid. Chickens taught me to be more quiet and calm around them, so they wouldn't be so skittish."

Read more on the Metroparent website.  

Different is Not Wrong

Kelly at OneQuarterMama has submitted her piece Different is Not Wrong

I'm kind of amazed at the advice out there for parents with auties. I mean amazed in the sense that a lot of it is obvious - at least to us. Some sites talk about stimming behaviours and how to work with them. They even have names for them. We just called them "Crazy time!"

I'm going to guess a lot of parents tried to stop their kids from doing these things, but we've learned from experience that when they are actively encouraged, they last less time or sometimes disappear completely. And I've always just assumed he was doing them because either he needed to or just plain liked it. Sure, it's best to figure out the underlying cause - sometimes they can do it because of pain, but sometimes he could just be bored. As long as he does things in a way that is safe, I don't think it really matters.

Read more of this post here.

Autismum Autistics Speaking Day 2012

Autismum has posted Autistics Speaking Day 2012 on Autismum

Well, the Pwd doesn’t have any words at the moment but he does have an awful lot of soul!

For much, much more go to the Autistics Speaking Day 2012 website.

Other things than speaking?

senoritafish has written "Other things than speaking?" on Visit the kelpforest: 


So yesterday was Autistics Speaking Day (the autistic response to Communication Shutdown), and while I started this on the day, I'm finishing late, as per usual for me (writing as an ally, although I'm really not sure about myself). I'd asked Angus awhile ago if he'd like to participate himself, and all I really got was a frown; I'd sent him an email with a link about it, but he forgets to check it, friends don't email him like they do his brother, so if there's anything in there, it's probably from either me or his grandma, and what 13-year-old rushes to read those? In teenage fashion - which he is now - I theorize he's just thinking mom is bugging him again about something he's not really interested in. He's really not that interested in social media anyway - he does have a Tumblr account, but mostly likes the "Ask Anything" questions. He writes fairly detailed essays for school (and is praised quite a bit for vocabulary), but to do that outside of school? And not for fun? When he could be coming up with new comic book ideas or making up new piñata creatures for his Viva Piñata game...


Viva Pinata Ideas- Moosesicle by ~datadoggieein on deviantART

... or perusing various fan wikis for every last detail or trivia about the ones he has? Or going with me for a long walk, down to the end of the pier, maybe helping me find a geocache along the way? Coming up with the idea of being a plague doctor for Halloween, or even, finishing his homework - which he actually has been doing first, without prompting, lately (which I'm shocked and thrilled by, even I had problems with that).

Last night while I was making dinner, he did finally read the article I'd linked him to, brows knitted all the while, thought about it a bit, and then declared to me, "I'm not an auto-biographer, Mom!"

Ah well. Maybe in a few years, or in other mediums. Choosing to not speak (or write) when he could is also valid. He's got a lot of pressing issues just being an eighth grader. ;)

Go Listen.

Into the Woods on ASDay

Jennifer Myers writes on ASDay.  Short with effective use of quotations.

Autism From A Father's Point of View on ASDay

Stuart Duncan encourages non-autistic people to listen to autistic people.  Good post.

Liz Ditz's ASDay Posts

Liz Ditz here and here.

Stephen Fry on ASDay

Some of you may be aware that the famous actor Stephen Fry tweeted about ASDay last night.  This resulted in many more people becoming aware of our event and I want to take the opportunity to thank Mr. Fry for this (and for just existing, because Stephen Fry invented being awesome). 

The post read:

Stephen Fry
Today is Autistics Speaking Day, let's hope that the world will listen: autisticsspeakingday.blogspot.com @autisticsSpeak #ASDay

By the way, if you are not familiar with Mr. Fry's work, please search YouTube for some samples of it.

Read the Label!

Kelly Green at Autism HWY on person-first language.

A Thinking Perons's Guide to Autism on ASDay

Their contribution is here.  It includes a list of participants and background for the founding of ASDay.

Daniel's Amazing Words

Jim Martin's contribution, regarding his autistic previously nonverbal son.

Autistics Speaking Day by Alexis Yael

Alexis Yael on ASDay.

Speaking of Experts...

A post from The Accidental Expert at Raising Complicated Kids.


As the mom of two kids on the autism spectrum, I usually have a lot to say.  If you've tuned into my blog for any length of time, you've shared in our struggles, our heartbreaks, triumphs and funnies.  From what people tell me, this is a valuable perspective, one that most outside the autism community have no real knowledge of.

But enough about me.

Today I am here to put the spotlight on a different type of expert.  Those on the autism spectrum themselves.  And specifically, those have been so brave and honest to share their stories. I applaud you and I thank you.

You have helped my family more than you know.  From each story I read from an adult on the spectrum, I gain new understanding.  Not of my world, but that of my kids.  You have given me a behind-the-scenes view of their attitudes, their struggles, their strengths.  And, on days when I worry about what the future holds, you give me a beacon of hope.

Today is Autistics Speaking Day.  It's a call to those on the spectrum to speak out and to be heard.  To have a voice, break stereotypes and increase awareness.  Go check out what some of the participants have to say here. I think you'll be glad you did.