Wednesday, November 1, 2017

Understanding the female aspie in your life.

Paula Jones posts Understanding the female aspie in your life. on Absolute aspergers

Content warning for some gendering and medicalization

Understanding the female aspie in your life.

You might want to get a sandwich before you read any further, because this is going to be a long one.

Since finding out I have Asperger's, at the grand old age of 44, I seem to have forgotten all my previous coping strategies; well, most of them, and the real me has come out to play. This is not necessarily a good thing for the people around me, and until I can become reconciled to who and what I am, it's going to be a bit of a bumpy ride. If you have a female aspie in your life, then keep reading, because you owe it to yourself and to her to understand.


I'm not really. I just now have to acknowledge that this is what I am, and all of the difficulties, quirks, setbacks, benefits and so on are now being magnified to me. Ohhhhhhhh THAT'S my currently most used phrase. I'm getting to know myself, so I'm sorry if I seem worse to you; you might not feel that you know me too well, but oh em eff gee, I have no idea, so you're going to need to be a bit patient with me. Because guess what? Yes, the world DOES revolve around me; at least mine does; because it has to so that I can function and interact with you. 

Asperger's isn't a mental illness; it's a neurological disorder, where the development of the nerves in the brain is compromised. It has more in common with Multiple Sclerosis than it does with mental illness, but depression goes hand in hand with it, because life is sometimes just SO FUCKING HARD. As it is for everyone at times, but every day is a mass of trying to read situations, understand what you're saying, getting it wrong, wondering what I've said that's pissed you off; the list goes on. And yet, my neurotypical clients; I can read you like a book, cut straight through to the crap, and help you move on. 


Oh yes. Dealing with social demands, sensory input, overload, demands, too much going on, too much noise, too much colour, too many demands on my time; I've just finished work and I need time to decompress and calm down. I NEED to be alone for a few minutes without you making demands of me, whoever you are; if you don't let me, I will melt down, you will forget I'm an aspie and assume I'm in a pissy mood, and then I will feel guilty, overwhelmed, mute and sad. It's not like I always even understand what you're trying to say. Say what you mean, and mean what you say, please. I'm a hypnotherapist, not a fucking mind reader. I missed out on the hand book you were all given at birth that taught you how to socialise and read people, and understand social interaction and nuances of some conversations. This is particularly true in text based conversations, like Facebook messenger. There is a really good chance that we could fall out with each other in a messenger conversation because I JUST DON'T GET what you're alluding to or hinting at. I just don't.

And honestly, as far as socialising goes; I would love to. Really I would. But I'm on the edges of everything, and I have learned how to make small talk, but I just don't see the point in that. So I really need you to understand that I have to be on my own for most of the time. I know it comes across as arrogant, or as if I don't care. I do. I have far too much empathy and I give up a lot of my time to help people. It's just the way it is. But I can't deal with too much interaction. When you don't know the rules, it's pretty scary. And I'm an aspie, so I have obsessions. Do you REALLY want to hear about every Beatles B Side? Or about my fascination/obsession with the Madeleine McCann case (actually, everyone who's ever been on my Facebook friends list EVER knows about that one). It's not really dinner party conversation material is it?

My nightmare scenario is going clothes shopping with friends. I never try anything on, I don't need to. For some reason, I have a great eye for how clothes will look on me (and on you, if you ever need a stylist), and whether or not it will fit me. I can just tell at a glance. So, my last shopping trip with a group of friends which was hellish enough for me to begin with, became very uncomfortable because I wouldn't join in the trying on of clothes in Primani Hell, and with the shrieking that accompanied it. Massive sensory overload, too much noise, buzzing fluorescent lights, clothes labels that DRIVE ME MAD and too many people. No, just no. And obviously, I no longer have that group of friends who just thought I was weird.


WTF, are you kidding me?
Trying new things can send an Aspie into meltdown. New foods in restaurants, different types of clothes, holiday goes on.

I'm not too bad with restaurants and food, although if food I've become used to suddenly looks/tastes/smells different, I won't touch it again. 

The thing that bugs me and makes me feel insecure and wrong is watching new television programmes. I love Game of Thrones, and Breaking Bad; both of these I got into at least half way through the first season, because it's scary to commit to new stuff; so I'd ignore the first episode when hubby was watching, cast an eye over the second, and start getting drawn in by the third. This means that I have shows I really enjoy, and just keep wanting to watch those over and over. Drives him mad. Sorry. :)


If you are a woman, and we are friends, then you must be pretty special. In fact, if you are male or female and we actually have face to face contact, then I think really highly of you, because socialising.......ughhhhhh. But my relationships with women have always been a little strained, and it's because, as an aspie, I struggle to do the "girl" thing. Dressing up, looking like other women, it just doesn't come naturally to me. My hair is usually a bit of a mess, often a mad colour, and I wear jeans, Converse, and band t shirts. I occasionally try something different, but if feels so very uncomfortable and so wrong, and I feel SO RIDICULOUS that I just revert to type, This, I now know, is typical of aspie women. I'm 45, and most 45 women I know don't dress this way.  I find the mask of being well dressed something I've never been able to master although I can occasionally scrub up ok, but I also find that it makes me suspicious. I've learned to act and mask my fears and problems, and women are generally amazing at this; but they all see right through me.

Men, on the other hand, I can get on with far more easily. I can be blunt, to the point, and basically be myself. My mum wanted me to attend an all girls secondary school, and I railed against this. She asked me why I wanted to go to the school of my choice, and if it was because there'd be boys there; and I said yes, of course. I think she thought I was boy mad :) Not so, I have 3 brothers, understood the company of boys, and didn't understand female interaction and game playing.

So now, if you are a woman, and we get on; you're blunt, to the point, and I love you for it. 


Melting down is the culmination of a lot of pain, but tipped over the edge by a seemingly small trigger.

I "stim" a lot, those little tics that we all have that make us feel better in uncomfortable situations. When a meltdown is coming, the warning signs may be that I stim a lot more. Chances are though, the meltdown will just erupt. Melting down at home is one thing; in public is one whole, humiliating, other story. Nothing like seeing a grown woman have what seems, on face value, to be a temper tantrum, or to be in hysterics. I've had meltdowns where my husband has had to hold me firmly upright, arms pinned to my sides. to stop me from rolling around on the floor. These are few and far between, thankfully; the last really public meltdown I had was in a tube station about 6 years ago, and one in Leeds city centre 9 or 10 years ago. I have the occasional this-could-go-somewhere-if-we-don't-stop-it-now episode, but public meltdowns are, thankfully, quite rare. 

This doesn't mean, by the way, that I can control the meldowns that happen at home or in less public places; it just means that, so far, I've got lucky.


So clearly, I've always been different, but now I know why. 

I've always lived my life behind a glass partition, able to see through it but not really experiencing life. I've always had "them and me" syndrome, for as long as I can remember. At nursery school, I couldn't socialise, I would wait alone at break times, waiting for all the other kids to clear out from the big table where they had their orange juice and biscuits, before going to get mine. See; them, they, not us or we. At infants and junior school, I felt the separation of me and them, and spent as much of my time as I could learning the guitar, which I was compelled to learn. I got on great with adults, and took my guitar to school every day, so my long-suffering teacher would show me something new to play. We got to the point fairly quickly where that role was reversed and I was teaching her, but I loved the time and interaction with her. Female aspies are quite youthful, and even now, I look up to the company of adults; but I'm finding now that some of these adults might well be younger than I am. 

I was very very very very oh my god very very bored at school. Apart from during maths, where all I felt was fear and impending humiliation because I can't remember my times tables. Interestingly enough, I was diagnosed with dyslexia when I was at uni, but I've questioned that diagnosis since finding out I'm an Aspie; I could always read and spell pretty well, my reading age was way ahead of my actual age; but numbers were horrendous, and I would regularly write them back to front, upside down, have number blindness. 

It also took me some time to process questions asked of me, because my mind goes through every possible scenario at top speed. So now, if you ask me a question, and I look at you with a glazed expression with my mouth open, I'm shuffling through the answers for the most appropriate one. 

Being musically gifted was a great escape for me, so while I felt bored and unstimulated at school, and couldn't wait to get away (and also couldn't revise for exams, because, durrrrrr, I have executive functioning issues), music and playing guitar came totally naturally to me. So, your female aspie isn't lazy, or dim. She might not be academic, but has brains to burn, she just needs the right motivation.

To not stand out as being different, female aspies learn to fake it. We learn really well through observation, and we can intellectualise most emotional processes. But we watch what other people do, right from how to behave in social settings, that being blunt and open isn't ALWAYS the best way, that you don't have to put sugar in your coffee in public if you don't normally drink it that way (having seen someone else do it and think that's what everyone does), to how to get through a networking event relatively unscathed. Sadly, your female aspie pal will be exhausted as a result of this. Pretending and watching is tiring. Being tired, having Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, is often a co-morbid condition to Aspergers, and I am currently typing this post in bed, dealing with, so far, a 4 day relapse, where I'm falling asleep regularly during the day, and my arms and legs have pretty bad burning pains shooting through them to make it a bit more interesting.

Female aspies don't just get tired. It's real fatigue that grinds us to the occasional halt.


I've been told, many times, that I need a social life. I need to get out there and meet people, do new things, take up new hobbies.

Taking up new hobbies is something the female aspie (in fact all aspies) needs to do when she's good and ready. The reason being, we already have our interests, and new things distract from those. 

My social life is on Facebook. I love my friends, I'm fairly sure they think I'm ok; and when I say friends, that's what I mean. People I've known for years, since school, who've ignored my weirdness, or better still, accepted it and tease me about it. 

If you're my friend, you're special. If I want to see you, please bear in mind that it takes me some effort. It will be great to see you, but there are only a handful of people with whom I am truly comfortable and happy to be my weird little self with; and they know who they are.

Being pressured into socialising makes me shut down and retreat into myself. And yes, that's incredibly lonely, because I DO want friends. I think you should all come round to my place for a party. I'll be upstairs on my own, but I'd love you all to be there, and someone can just report in to me now and again and give me all the goss.


Every day is a tightrope walk, my friends. It's an attempt to fit and and feel normal and appear normal. Women are particularly good at this, and we don't often realise there's something wrong, other than we don't appear to sail through life with the ease that other people do, knowing the right thing to say and do. It goes beyond introversion and shyness, and most Aspies are introverted and shy. But even then, you all seem to understand how to play the game, on the other side of the glass partition.

I know that it's hard to understand that a simple question can make an Aspie girl shutdown. But to you, it's simple. To us, there are a million possible answers, and we don't always believe that any of them will be right.

But for now I'm done; be glad it hasn't taken you as long to read this as it has for me to write it; but thanks for getting this far.

Paula x


  1. Paula,

    I'm glad the real you has come out to play.

    And, yes, !simple! questions do make people shut down and melt down.

    And in the old days people considered dyslexia a form of blindness.

  2. Actually a lot of people want to hear Madeleine McCann. You keep her alive.


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